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Well, the nature part of the question is hard. My childhood dreams ranged from wanting to be Lois Lane to a veterinarian. However, I have known since I was 11 years old that I wanted to be an Egyptologist. I have many books on the subject and can not seem to read enough about it. I know that I will always want to be an Egyptologist, sitting out in the desert and sifting through sand hoping to find an artifact that will change some perceptions about how people back then lived. I also wouldn’t mind minoring in any type of history - specifically European or British. We can’t know who we are unless we know where we come from, right?

that was the longest video ever…. I’m Lea. As a kid, I wanted to be a scuba diver, or a dolphin trainer at sea world, and I wanted to own my own horse stable, and I sort of wanted to live in the world of Lisa Frank (that thing with all the really colorful animals). I wanted (want) to travel and see the world, learn the ways of other cultures, know more about my family history. Hearing an unexpected friend in the back of the auditorium at a choir concert makes me genuinely happy :). Conquering my fears (singing in front of people, etc.) makes me really happy. Making someone else genuinely happy makes me really, really happy. I really do try to challenge myself, but I also try to find a balance between working and resting and having fun. I think being surprised makes good news a million times better, and receiving a surprise that is for both you and a friend or a group is a million times better than a surprise that’s just for you. I try too hard sometimes to make people like me. I worry about having time to do everything I want to in a day, in a weekend, in my lifetime. I’m terrible at making decisions, but good at dealing with things once I can’t change my mind. I really enjoy being alone sometimes. Sometimes I feel lonely. I let myself become really emotionally attached to things- objects, groups, activities, people. I love to get lost in a book or in a song. I love laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Crying feels good sometimes. I don’t have a clue about what I want in life- just to be happy, have as few regrets as possible. I’m scared of forgetting things- happy memories, to do things I promised to do, how to do things. I love to see everything come back to life in the spring. I love staying in a warm bed on a cold morning. I love trying to make things, even if I fail- recipes, etc. I like to plan out exactly what I’m doing for the day or week, and to be efficient. I hate trying to define my “nature” because I don’t understand what exactly a nature is or how on earth I’m supposed to be able to define my self.

What is my nature? Hmm that’s a tough one. I believe that everyone has a nature to their own. It’s something special or unique each individual is born with. One cannot change their nature regardless of what they go through or how much they mature. I think that my nature is what defines me but everytime I think about that it is hard for me to fully understand what my nature is. Everyday I am so influenced by society, friends, parents, and outside influences that the vision of my nature is obscurred. Even though there are so many obstacles and things that have so much influence on me, I think that my nature is to be a genuine person. I don’t like to pretend I’m something I’m not. I also believe I’m an independent person, I don’t rely on people too much but when it comes to me, I’m very trustworthy. I feel like I’ve always had to do stuff on my own account. If I want to accomplish something it has to come completely from me. I’ve always wanted to go to college and get a higher education that’s why I wanted to do so well in high school. I want to go to college and study. My goal in life is to have a good job and have stable life. Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a doctor but I realized that it is hard to become a doctor so I’ve had second thoughts about that. What I really want to do in life is be a person that is worthwhile listening to. I want to learn new things and that is why I’m going to college. In the future I hope to be the owner of a business and have a family. Whenever I feel like I have control over my life is when I’m truly happy. I hate being stressed out or feeling like I have nothing over control. Chaos really makes me unhappy and I would say that as long as I know what is going on and I know what I’m doing then I’m a happy girl.

Well….for me as a child is was not every really about what I wanted to do as an adult, I mean I had things I wanted to be at certain times and such but I never really had one thing that I wanted to be above all else. A had ideas that paralleled my interests and thus wanted a career in that field, but they were never really dreams. They were excuses that I could use when someone asked me “what do you want to do when you grow up?”. If I had to say what I dreamed of being, it would have been something out of Star Wars, or other books that I read. But how foolish would it have sounded if I had responded to that question: “I want to be Luke Skywalker”? To a kid its not foolish, to an adult it is cute, but being realistic as a kid, I knew that something like that I could never do simply because it was not real. No, instead I only had one thing that i wanted for my future that I held on a pedestal above everything else, and I still do actually. I want to make a difference. To be remembered for something, to leave my mark on the history of our race on Earth. It does not matter what field, or what career, if i like it or not, I just want to leave my mark on history. To be one of the people mentioned in the text book as having done this, discovered that, redefined this or broken that. It doesn’t even have to be necessarily on a grand historic scale, though that would be my dream, but just to know that somewhere somehow, I made a difference. That there was meaning and purpose to the life I led and that through the things I did or the people I touched, I made a ripple in the pond. That is what I really dreamed of as a kid, not a specific career, but just to know that I changed something that affected others in such a way it made a lasting impact. I still don’t know what I want to be really, my college plans are all based on what I’m good at and what I’m interested in now. I can easily say that based upon this goal I’ll call it, to make an impact, my nature revolves around a need to be better. Better then others, yes, on occasion, but not always. It’s a very perfectionist need, I am never satisfied with what I have done, though on many occasion my laziness will prevent me from changing it more if i can. I am much too self critical, and even when I succeed at something, I usually take a pessimistic attitude about it and look at what went wrong. That is a big part of my nature, self-criticism. Other then my self reflections, my nature is a very relaxed, almost apathetic nature, i like sitting back watching what happens and being able to detach myself to not care. It prevents irrationality and allows me to be logical. I like logic. I can’t say exactly what makes me happy, but if it falls into the categories of fiction, potential or actual violence or girlfriend, it’s got a good chance. I’m a simple person with a complicated personality.

My nature. What a good question. Yeah, I’m stubborn, I’m independent, I’m a perfectionist. I’m all of those things. But who am I and what makes me click…

Selfishness.

I’m selfish. I’m selfish in the fact that I help others to my own joy. Ability to help others makes me happy. It’s a true gift to be able to help people because generally, you have to be better off than them to help them.

I still remember writing this one short paragraph for college applications. I think this was for U of M actually which I later adapted to send to HKU as well. It was something about what activity you would not give up or something… I remember writing out how great it felt to be able to tutor someone successfully. You feel elated. Truly.

And of course, people who I sent to proofread it proceed to tell me that some great BS you cooked up… They’re loss really if they never feel this joy.

Of course, there’s immense frustration with the kids who come to tutoring because they thing you’re an all-purpose answering key. But those who come because they’re having trouble at math that I consider child’s play. They’re dedication? Devotion? They’re acknowledgment of needing help and coming to get it. It makes me feel humbled. Personally, I don’t find asking for help all that easy. I can do it, damnit. I want to do it on my own. I *need* to be able to do it on my own. I’m quite unaccustomed to asking for help. Makes me feel out of depth, probably because of the labels that others, and thus myself, have used to define me more often than not.

In some ways, that makes me a better tutor. (Or at least I’d like to think so.) I realize how hard it is to ask for help and try to make that small effort in easing them into being more comfortable. I try to take the initiative after they arrive and make the effort to be friendly. When you get to those who are actually willing to learn and succeed with your help, the elation is addicting. It’s my drug so to speak.

Perhaps it’s this side of me that led me to dream about being a teacher.

As a child, I’ve dreamed of many different careers. My preferred career in kindergarten, a teacher. My preferred career a year after that, to be president. I kind of lost track after a while; Teacher, President, Doctor, Pharmacist… (Maybe it’s a sign of a ner.. I mean realist, when I’ve never had any dreams that could be considered impractical.) Tutoring, revisting my dream of being a doctor and attempting to make it reality makes me wonder if I’ve rediscovered or rather lost liking to help others… (Albeit, not your family doctor. I’m thinking research doctor…)

Am I doing it for myself or for others?

Probably myself.

Do I have what it takes to make it? Do I have what it takes to make my dreams a reality?

Doesn’t matter. It’s the journey itself that matters. Regardless, I still plan on volunteering. Little things can make a big difference.

I didn’t think that this question was going to be so difficult, but now that I think about it I can see why you’re struggling. I don’t expect you to really know yourself at 17 or 18. God knows I had no idea what mine was. But as indifferent as I was to school,when I look back I see that I was pretty much always a student. I never thought I’d be a teacher but now that I am I see that they are the same thing. It’s broader and much deeper but my nature hasn’t changed. I just wasn’t as aware of it as my nature when I was 17. It was just what I liked: books, music, playtime, friendship, food (toast, cheese-its, bacon cheese burgers from Monty’s Grill).

As for all of you, my inquisitive pupils, just don’t end up like Biff Loman clutching a stolen pen and wondering why you can’t just say, “I know what I am”. There are a lot of distractions so lets be careful out there.

A last thought-not mine but still a good one.

The Props assist the House
Until the House is built
And then the Props withdraw
And adequate, erect,
The House support itself
And cease to recollect
The Auger and the Carpenter—
Just such a retrospect
Hath the perfected Life—
A past of Plank and Nail
And slowness—then the Scaffolds drop
Affirming it a Soul.
-Emily Dickinson

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